*Sigh*
Today was just one of those days...I don't know. Just seemed frustrated. I sing at a church, and I didn't think I did a really great job today.I mean, I did ok...but not as well as I wanted to. Is it just me, or are we our own worse critics? I know I am...I try to set these standards as to where I want to be, and sometimes I don't think I reach them....and then I get mad with myself, and express my frustrations in a blog. :)
I take worship seriously...I firmly believe that singers, people reading scripture, doing prayer, and worship leading are conduits by, to, and through God. So, one wants to do one's best...and when I don't, it's almost like I'm letting God down. I mean, imagine...having God as a boss, and having him look at you in disappointment...(shudder). Sometimes, that's how I feel when I don't think I've done my best...
What else am I frustrated in...frustrated and baffled...I have to admit that relationships, and finding them, and being in them baffle me. The whole aspect of it. Now, if one will permit me a bit of immodesty, I like to think of myself as a smart guy. Bright, intelligent, witty...lol, all of it. However, what baffles and frustrates me is the sphere of romance and love, and all of that jazz. It's so...illogical. And I wish it were logical...so I could understand it, and write a formula for it, and be done with it. Now,I know that what I'm wishing could never happen.
However, I have to admit that it bugs me that it's an area in my life that I can't use my smarts to solve. It requires a certain amount of wisdom, and savvy to navigate, and I don't have that kind of smarts in this particular field. I'd be the Titanic in the iceberg-filled oceans of romance...and we all know what happened to the Titanic. Designed by the best, lead by the best...and hit an iceberg, took on water, and sank. Lately, I feel like I've been doing a lot of sinking lately...and I'm getting tired of it. But what to do? Have no idea...and THAT frustrates me as I cruise around aimlessly, so to speak--trying hard not to sink, graze anything, take on water, avoid being run aground...and all in the fog. Yes, I realize the ocean metaphor has gone on for a while...but it's how I feel.
Work...lol. Don't even get me started on work. (and that's all I have to say about that).
I don't know. I hate those 3 words. I mean, one can learn to love them if it motivates you to try and find out, and it lights a fire under your curiosity. And I admit...sometimes those words do motivate me to do just that. However, lately, I've been hearing these words said to myself..
"THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO".
I despise those words with a passion. Despise them. I guess I'm just tired--spiritually tired--deep in the bones tired--no, not tired...weary. That's the word. ANYWAY...think it's time for me to go to bed...maybe a good night's sleep, and a meaningful dream will help things be clearer in the morning.
I see what the problem is and I guess what they say is true ... it's easier for an outsider looking in to see what is going on. Your whole post today is YOU trying your best to "do things" or "get things done" ... YOU are using YOUR own power and herein lies the problem. In worship, as in all things we do, we must surrender ourselves fully and let God work through us. Try letting go and relying on God for a change. Sweet dreams! xoxo Zechariah 4:6, Matthew 11:28-30
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's my frustration talking...but I never go into worship without praying, either corporately with others involved and praying individually..and I generally do both. And that's the really frustrating thing...is that I do pray that God will use me in a way that he sees fit, and will enable me to do a good job, etc....
ReplyDeleteSo while the rant does talk alot about ME...trust me..at the time...I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm just a tool, or vessel. Of course, from a theological standpoint...God can use anyone...perfection is definitely NOT a criteria to do God's work...so perhaps I should trust him..