Judging People By Their Covers...

I was working out at my local YMCA in Toronto. Now, I have a regular gym, but its pool is closed over the holiday season. And since the YMCA has a pool, and an offer for 2 weeks free use, I decided to avail myself of the opportunity and use their pool.

When I was done, it was pretty late, since I'm a night owl and like being up late. They have special procedures for exiting and entering the facility when it's late, as it's open 24 hours. Of course, being new, I had no idea what these procedures were. As I went to the entrance I came in, I saw signs that it was closed. After asking some other users of the gym who had no clue whatsoever, I saw a cleaner, and decided to ask him what the hell I was supposed to do to get out of there!

I posed my question to the cleaner, and he gave me the correct answer. However, what he said after that was pretty sobering, and pretty uplifting at the same time. He went on to say that he was glad that I asked him, because no one ever asked him anything and that for the most part, they ignored him because he was a cleaner. I thought, wow...why would anyone discount his ideas and knowledge just because he was a cleaner? That makes no sense...he works here, he would no. I've never treated people like that, based on their status as to what they do for a living. But then I remembered what happened last week...

I sing, and love doing so. I sing at a church downtown that has a high social justice focus. Thus, there are programs for depression, HIV/Aids, refugees, GLBT people, and anyone else that may have trouble relating to a mainstream church. As I was singing, I noticed what appeared to be a homeless person sitting behind my backpack. I have to admit, I judged a book by its cover. She had a cane, looked rather frail and unkempt, and I totally subscribed to my base instincts--namely, I hope she didn't take my stuff.

I'm not the warmest person in the world. Making small talk is hard for me, and I sometimes have problems being empathic with others. I wouldn't make a great grief counsellor, is what I'm saying. I'm too inwardly focused, and too analytical to be comfortable in dealing with a lot of emotions--especially with strangers.

The service moved me, and I saw several people treat this woman with kindness and warmth. Still, I didn't think I had it in me, and was still dubious and harbouring classist thoughts.    As I walked over to get my stuff, this elderly, frail woman, on the outskirts of society thanked me for our singing.  With tears in her eyes, she gestured to her cane, she said she used to run marathons, but with bone disease, those days were past.

Now, I walk with limp, and have severe arthritis...and I'm in my 30s. Just bad luck, or the fates, or the will of God. Take your pick. However, when she said that...I took her hand, and with my eyes welling up, I told her I understood. In one brief twinkling of an eye, I was shown that her and I were very much alike, and were bound together.

I realized that despite our different circumstances, our different lives, our ages..that in one way, she and I were the same, and that my arrogance and pride had no place. Who was I to look down on her? Who was I to judge based on appearances? In a church, when I should have been acting like Jesus, I was acting like his persecutors. This nameless woman and I had more in common that I was prepared to admit. I was truly ashamed, and deservedly so.

The two stories are linked, of course. In both cases, I made someone happy. In one case, I did it on my own free will, and on my own volition. In the other, I was taught a very useful life lesson in a church in the process.

My point is that you, dear readers, don't know when or where, or what you will do to make someone's day. It can be the tiniest thing, the most insignificant gesture on your part, that will make someone be happier, so you have to be cognizant of the moments and act on them.

My OTHER point, is obviously about judging people before you know them, and on the most superficial of reasons. In one instance, I didn't do so...and in another, I did, to my deep shame.

Now, as mentioned before, I do go to Church, believe in God, and consider myself a Christian. So when I say "life"...I mean God.  Others may be atheists, agnostics, or believe in other religions, or simply believe in fate or karma. All of that notwithstanding...

I believe that life in general has lessons to teach us. Life has a funny way of treating us, and giving us the messages we need to hear. And we have to be careful that we don't ignore the message just because the messenger isn't clothed in the way we like, or is not respectable in the eyes of "society, or doesn't drive the right car.

Wow. Touched on a lot of things today...feel like the entry is a bit scattered. No matter. Sometimes I feel scattered..but please don't judge me on first appearances...:)

Sobbing When Tears are Not Enough

“Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.”

The above quote was from Anne Bronte...I like it a lot. My entries seem to be jelling into a series about emotions, so I'll continue the theme, so to speak.

How often do we cry? Not just tear up, but go into a full scale weeping? Really let the tears flow? I'm sure women do that more often then men, but it's a legit question, I think.

Just as getting angry is vitally important for releasing emotions that have the potential to corrode and eat at our souls, crying does the same thing, I think, but in a different way. Anger gets rid of those emotions which threaten to "blow us up". Anger disposes of those feelings that would cause us harm by their toxicity-slowing eating our souls from the inside, until there's nothing left but bitterness and cynicism.

Crying..I think, gets rid of those emotions that would sink our souls. Just like a ship that takes on too much water, crying gets rid of those emotions that would cause us to sink further and further into despair and grief. Crying allows us to get rid of those emotions that drag us down into sadness, and depression. Crying is like a rainfall...it clears the metaphorical skies of our life of clouds and grayness.

The last time I cried is when I realized that something I was hoping for would most likely never happen in regards to my personal life. Someone I cared about deeply was never going to see me in "that" way.  Never. EVER.  And yes, I was mad as well, and yes, it was recently. And I got angry. Angry with myself for letting my emotions run wild and rampant, angry for being a fool, and angry for a whole lot of things. And that got rid of the bitterness and rage (mostly). But there was a residual feeling that still hung around after my little tantrum. I realized in due course that me getting angry didn't rid myself of the immense sadness I felt. It didn't rid me of the grief, and melancholy that still existed in my heart. 

So,  I freely admit that this wasn't my eyes tearing up, or getting moist, or any of the euphemisms that are out there. I wept. Freely and unabashedly. There was nothing else I could do. And yes, I'm a guy, and guys are supposed to keep their feelings under control...but gentlemen--it doesn't make you any less than a man to acknowledge to yourself and others that you have emotions and that you aren't a robot!

But getting back to the subject at hand. Life can be brutal. And unfair. And SO UNFAIR. Life can turn around and treat you like crap. And those emotions will drag you under to the point where you can't function. Those feelings have to go somewhere, and be released. And yes...sometimes getting angry helps. But sometimes...the emotions of grief, despair, sadness...futility can only be expunged by sitting down by yourself, or someone who cares about you, or even a trained professional (should it come to that), and crying. And a word of warning...sometimes people believe that they get angry and they let it all out, and that's that. They make the mistake of thinking that rage and anger is the only cathartic option open to them. It's not.

Let it all out. Whether you cry to God, or whatever deity you believe in, or the fates, or just at the injustices of the world...do not keep it inside. Please.

Little White Lies....

White lies. Tiny lies. The lies that make social interactions a bit more managable and tolerable over the course of a day.
I have to admit that there is a place for these kinds of lies, even though they should be used sparingly. Of course, my natural inclination is to tell the truth,which sometimes leads to relationships (between friends, colleagues, co-workers, etc) a bit rougher than they ought to be.

For example...perhaps I shouldn't have told the truth to a coworker when I said I had no real interest in what she was telling me at the moment. And perhaps I shouldn't have been as direct to a friend when I was outlining his faults.

I think there is a fine line between telling the truth, and being a hypocrite, and if I had a choice, I'd rather not be a hypocrite.

"What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact.”

Wiser words were never spoken :)  I think that in the cold harsh light of day, I'd rather be told the truth in a kind, caring and compassionate way, than be lied to. And perhaps, be told the truth even when I might not want to hear it.

I bring this up because I think I was lied to this weekend. LOL, well, I'm sure I was lied to, but I'm not sure why. It had something to do with the social media we're all so involved in. FaceBook, Twitter, etc. As I mentioned to a friend of mine, I felt like Columbo...while everything seemed fine and the reason seemed logical for the action...upon the cold light of day, one realizes that something doesn't quite fit. Something is askew, askance, weird...whatever. The explanation doesn't jive with how it could happen.

So it led me to ask more questions, and more questions...and I honestly don't have the answers. And I don't think it's worth getting the answers at this point in time. I think the most charitable thing that can be said is that we all make decisions that we regret sometimes. However, even though we regret the decision and make pains to rectify it, or even reverse it...I think the fact that decisions are made to begin with still say something about us. The real person is the one that shows themselves when we aren't thinking, aren't analysing, but just doing.

But it does lead to the bigger questions of how do we in this society get along with each other? Where are the boundaries of civility, politeness, rudeness, comportment, etc? I think that has been the biggest casuality of the modern age--we've forgotten how to interact with each other. And yes, I'm guilty of that as well. Totally.

So what do we do about it? How do we go about breaking the electronic barriers and treating people like PEOPLE?

Get Good and Angry....

Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.” William Saroyan quotes (American Writer known for his stories celebrating the joy of living in spite of poverty. 1908-1981


Words to live by! I don't generally have problems laughing, and laughing like hell. Life's too short to go through it without laughing at the absurdity of it all...


But the second part...hmmmmm..the second part. I don't think I get angry enough. Well, correction--I get angry, but I don't let people know I get angry. And perhaps I should? But sometimes there's so much to be angry about. B.S. at work, the fact that life isn't fair, my lack of relationship for the most stupid of reasons, faith, religion...the list can go on and on for a very long time, with many items. That would pretty much leave you with a life filled with fury and rage about everything.


So I guess the 64,000 dollar question is when do you get good and mad, and when do you hold it in, and when do you find some way to release it, and how do you do it so that people aren't hurt as badly as they could be?


Let's face it. If you have just cause to be mad at someone, and you get angry...they may be hurt at what you have to say. They could get mad in response, or their feelings could be bruised, or worse. The worst case scenario is when they have no idea that their actions or behaviours has aroused these feelings of rage inside you, and the only time they know is when you go off on them. Or not even go off on them, but speak to them in a firm, but incredibly direct way.


I guess that's my dilemma. While I don't usually explode in an apoplectic rage of invective and cuss words, when I get mad, I can get cruel. Bitterly, nastily, hurtfully cruel. Less volcanic and more acerbic. Think Don Rickles, without the warmth and kindness. :)


Still, keeping the stuff I'm mad about inside me isn't doing me any good. So it has to come out.




Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury." Francis Quarles


It's not there yet...but it's coming. And I hate the fact that I have so many things to be angry about....

I'm Back

I think the best new year's resolutions are ones that are started before the year ends, so that you already are practicing good habits. So in that vein...I promise the following.

I promise to blog more often.

I promise to sing a solo at church

I promise to seriously look for another job

I promise to be more outspoken

I promise not to suffer fools gladly.

I'm back..hopefully for good...:)

I am what I am.

It's been too long since I've posted something, so here goes...

Why is it that the things we want the most are the things we sometimes have the least control over. Relationships are a prime example. We want what we can't have, or more to the point, we desire something that we have no control over.

The last couple of weeks have been very bad for me in terms of my social life and how my friends fit into that. To make a long story short, I'm been confronted with an age old question--both in terms of my friendships and potential relationships. Do I change who I am, how I act, how I speak and how I feel to get what I want NOW? Or do I remain the same, and hope that the person or people are out there for me?

I know my faults....and I know my charms. It's all a part of who I am...and lately because certain people haven't been accepting of them...I feel like I'm suffering because of it. And I did entertain the thought that perhaps I should make a wholesale change, or become a bit more proactive. To mold and dull the rough edges of who I am to make myself more palatable to those I want to hang out with because I'm sick and tired of being alone, per se.

But then I realized...that if I did that...the people hanging out with me wouldn't be hanging out with "ME"...but they'd be socializing with a fake; a fraud, a counterfeit. And I would hate myself for having to undertake the charade. HATE IT.

So...even though who I am isn't going to get me invited by people I think should want to hang out with me...that's ok. I am who I am...all of me...witty and sarcastic...compassionate to the point of being moved to tears...and hard headed to the point of callousness. Incredibly intelligent in some things...and incredibly ignorant in others. Uplifting and cruel. Religious and...well, you get the gist. I'm a glorious rainbow of contradictions, a mosaic of inconsistencies...and that is who I am.

And while I can slighly modify and change myself....I have to be careful that I do it not to curry favour with those who don't respect me for who I am...but because I want to change.

There's a lot of "I"s in this post...but I think I'm ok with that.

Be who you are. Always. And let your personality and who are be irrepressible!!!

Census and Sensibilities....

For some of you who follow my facebook page, you will be aware that I haven't filled out my census form (or more to the point, gone online to fill it out). It is the law, and it is fairly important for Statistics Canada that I fill it out. After all, the demographic information collected helps governments of all levels provide services, and glean information that can be used for decades to come.

I've had 2 calls from the Gov't of Canada about this matter, and frankly, I'm a bit perturbed. While I fully recognize the fact that information needs to be gathered, I'm disturbed at the seemingly heavy handed approach of the gov't in pressuring me to give them the information which for the most part, THEY ALREADY KNOW. They know where I live, my race, and religion--they know my income, taxes paid, or not paid. With a little bit of digging, they can find out where I went to university, etc. All this information is stored, or unwittingly volunteered to our friendly government...and with all of this information at their disposal...they still want me to surrender up MORE information?

Frankly...it offends me and my sensibilities and speaks of a government that might know just a bit too much about me for my own good. So I think I'll keep my census form unfilled for a little bit longer--just to see how the coercive the coercive power of the government can get...

Now, on to something else. I've decided to do something different. While I hate to take my advice from a sitcom, especially Seinfeld...I've decided to follow the example of George Costanza in the episode "The Opposite". In it, Costanza decides to do the opposite of what he'd normally do, all to great results!!

Now, I'm not saying I'm going to go that far....but I'm been approaching certain aspects of my life in the same way...and it's not exactly working. Soooooooo....I'm going to do the opposite, or do things differently enough to the point where I won't be acting the way I normally do (but it will be a concious decision)....and we shall see what happens!!

Vamp it up!!!!

I have to admit, I've been having a not so great month or so with the social life, relationships, friendships and all of that. I've been taking myself WAY to seriously. Seriously!

This weekend, however...was fun! Went out to a restaurant with some friends and strangers from a church I sing at...and basically had loads and loads of fun. Don't get me wrong...I can be a serious, ponderous, "deep" kind of guy. But...I can also be a fun, flirty, outrageous social butterfly--saying things that border on the risqué, crossing the line, and zinging everyone left right and centre with bon mots that can't help but be received well.

And honestly...with the month I've had, I've forgotten that side of me that exists underneath the masquerade of respectability.

So my words to everyone out there who are like me...try it! Just once be irrepressible, outrageous, fabulous and fun! Bat the eyelashes, and with a seductive tone in your voice--mixed with a hint of acid ;) Vamp it up!!!

:D

Our little lives are rounded with a Sweet dreamS...

Sweet Dreams

"Sweet dreams of you
Every night I go through
Why can't I forget you and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

You don't love me, it's plain
I should know I'll never wear your ring
I should hate you the whole night through
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Sweet dreams of you
Things I know can't come true
Why can't I forget the past, start loving someone new
Instead of having sweet dreams about you"

This is a song sung by Patsy Cline...a great country music singer...

Why do we find it so hard to let go of relationships that are bad for us? What motivates us to keep the bad, and to reject the good--especially when it comes to people in our lives? And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships--I'm talking about friendships, family members...people who are toxic?

A friend of mine recommended this song to me as something I could sing--I sing baritone with my range hitting the low tenor and high bass. And it is a beautiful song...hauntingly so. But more importantly...it also tells us that at the end of day we do have to move on...and put certain aspects of our lives behind us...and that it doesn't do us any good to hem and haw and dwell over the past. Even if it's understandable...or even if we don't know why we're doing it-either way, sometimes we just have to put it behind us.

In one of Shakespeare's play, there's a line which states, " What's past is prologue" And it basically means that everything that has happened in the past is simply an introduction for what is to come.

"What's past is prologue". A lesson I have to learn for myself especially (I tend to hold grudges sometimes). It's in the past...and it serves to set the plot and the play for the main performance. THAT's what's important. What goes on in the here and now.

Let the play begin!!! :)

Silver Linings and Fool's Gold...

"Every cloud has a silver lining". We've all heard that before, and it usually means that no matter how negative a situation is, something positive can always be gleaned from it.

In Canada, we've just had an election. Obviously, there were some disappointed people, especially those who didn't vote for the winners, but instead voted for the losing side. That being the case, there are always positives to gain from every situation.

I think that this also HAS to pertain to life as a whole. While I'm not advocating being a pollyanna ( a literary character who ALWAYS saw the positive side of things whatever the situation was), I am saying that we have to admit that if we never saw the positive in anything, life would be dreary and depressing, and completely unbearable sometimes. Being positive is like a lifeline, or a life preserver in the rough seas known as life (if one will forgive the incredibly cheesy metaphor...LOL). If we don't hang on to it...we will most surely drown.

Over the last week or so, I must admit that some things have not proceeded how I thought they would. And initially, I was disappointed, upset, mad, irritated...all of that. When one puts in a lot of effort, time and thought into something (both mentally and physically), one can't help but feel that way when things don't necessarily pan out. However, I realize now that there were unseen benefits and consequences that I now recognize and can use in the future to avoid making the same mistakes again. For the record, I am speaking of two things primarily. One was the diet I'm on. Realized that I made some mistakes, and am going to do things differently. The second thing is of a personal nature, so I'll keep that to myself. I'm not completely used to sharing EVERYTHING on a blog...

Fools Gold...is a metal called pyrite, which looks like, and can be found with real gold, but isn't actually gold. It deceives you into thinking it's more valuable than it is, presumably after a lot of time and effort is expended in "discovering" it. I think I've been finding a lot of fools gold lately...things which appear valuable, but aren't. Things which appear to be real, but are fake...and things that seem to be built on rock, which instead is built on sand. Flakiness for gravitas, shallowness for profoundness.

I don't know...I just have never suffered fools gladly. That, by the way, is a phrase taken from the Bible. 2 Corinthians 11:19. G.K. Chesterton says we should interpret it this way...

There is an apostolic injunction to suffer fools gladly. We always lay the stress on the word “suffer,” and interpret the passage as one urging resignation. It might be better, perhaps, to lay the stress upon the word “gladly,” and make our familiarity with fools a delight, and almost a dissipation. Nor is it necessary that our pleasure in fools (or at least in great and godlike fools) should be merely satiric or cruel. The great fool is he in whom we cannot tell which is the conscious and which the unconscious humour; we laugh with him and laugh at him at the same time. An obvious instance is that of ordinary and happy marriage. A man and a woman cannot live together without having against each other a kind of everlasting joke. Each has discovered that the other is a fool, but a great fool. This largeness, this grossness and gorgeousness of folly is the thing which we all find about those with whom we are in intimate contact; and it is the one enduring basis of affection, and even of respect"

So, I've never been able to tolerate those who are flaky,scatterbrained, or live in a continual state of haphazardness. Perhaps it's because I'm a pretty serious, grounded, and composed man. Who knows. While I admit that sometimes it would be different to be all relaxed, and free and flexible...if there are too many of those out there, nothing would ever get done!!

But I'm digressing...Fools Gold and Silver linings. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we will all experience things in life that are BOTH depressing, and not what they seem. The two aren't mutually exclusive. It's our goal, or our task to both recognize that we have to look for the positives AND to make sure we don't get taken in again by what appears to be real...

Third Wheel, Doctor Who, and Relationships too...

Third wheel:

"a person hanging out with two people (usually a couple) that are in a sense leaving him/her out. Called the third wheel because...

Having any odd number of wheels on an object generally messes it up."

I had the occasion (unfortunately) to be put into a situation where I was made a third wheel...and not by choice. And I was wondering...was there anything I could have done to make the situation better, or head it off without seeming rude and churlish? I don't honestly know...and would like to figure it out so that when it happens again, I have a response....

I think the problem was that it was sudden, and it came at such an inopportune time. As most of you may know (or are beginning to know), I love using analogies to explain things. Supposing you are in the woods...you have a limited amount of wood and kindling for a fire. You patiently and earnestly start building up your fire...and just when there's a good blaze going, suddenly...a rain storm comes along and puts out your fire, and soaks everything to the bone.

In terms of your fire...you're pretty much screwed. Had the rain come earlier, you could have kept the wood and kindling dry for another day, ready to start the fire once more. Had the rain came later...your fire may not have gone out because it was a rip-roaring fire, or you would have been warmed and heated by the flames.But when the rain came just as the fire was going...the worst of both possible worlds occurred--no warmth, wet fuel...and a long time to get things back to where they were.

There is an episode of Doctor Who, where the Doctor is killed because he's attacked at PRECISELY the right moment when he is weakest.

I find relationships are like that--both friendships,and romances, especially in the beginning. Timing is everything...one rainstorm at the right place, an inopportune word, a wrong glance, a third wheel...can completely ruin it before it's begun, or start a reset that takes time one doesn't have.

Of course...sometimes things can come back, or be improved, or brought back to life...:) Sometimes things aren't always lost. But sometimes...it's not like in the movies. We don't get a second chance to make a first impression, and sometimes we don't get a second chance to make any impression at all. Time, and life conspire against us.

One of my favourite quotes is "Time is the fire in which we all burn". It never stops, it never halts, it is continuous, and it is always moving forward.

Surprises

It's been a while, and it's late, so I do want to keep it brief.

Surprises...I think one of the great joys in life is when one is surprised in a good way, or is surprising in a good way. We are so cynical about life, and we try to pre-package it all and control it all, and know it all.

Pish posh. Life would be so much more interesting if you were surprised more often. So that's the charge for today...don't know how, don't care how....but try (in a GOOD way) to be surprised.

"I Will Go Sailing No More"

Found this song on Youtube, since I never watched any of the Toy Story movies. What a depressing, yet poignant song about life, getting older, etc. As I mentioned before, as I have some arthritis, there are certain things I could do 5 years ago that I can't do now--which makes this song especially hit home for me. The song is called, "I will go sailing no more"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pA9FINJI90


You never know what life is going to throw at you, and what effect it will have on your mind,body, spirit,etc. I've been lucky in the sense that there are a lot of things I got done when I was younger--like travelling, cycling, etc, so that I don't have too many regrets about not doing them. Sadness, yes...because some of the stuff I'd have more trouble doing now.

Mark Twain said it best...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

I don't know...it's been a really frustrating couple of weeks--like a car in a snowbank, trying to get out...wheels are spinning, and absolutely no movement is happening. Of course, it would go more smoothly and ideally if I had more patience. lol!! Patience is not my virtue--never has been. Whether it's with friends, family, co-workers, the man, or God...I don't like to wait. I'm the type pf person who'd pray, "Lord, give me patience, and I want it now".

Of course, with everything..there are upsides and downsides. Not being patient often gets people moving, and improves the chances of getting what you want, because you're not willing or able to wait while people take their sweet blessed time for absolutely no reason whatsoever. NONE. Of course, if that isn't the case...being impatient only increases your stress level to the point where you're apoplectic.

I guess it's something I have to work on...Lord give me patience...and I'm prepared to wait...:)

VOTE!!!!

This is for my Canadian friends specifically, but for all people when the opportunity arises. I urge everyone to learn the issues, talk to people, do the research, read party platforms--find out where and how one votes in your riding... and then actually go out and VOTE.

I don't care who you vote for. In my life I've voted NDP, Liberal, Green...never the right candidate around to make me vote Conservative....which ironically is where I lay/lie on the political spectrum. YES, there will be a posting on the importance of grammar later today...

But I digress...if you have the right to vote...please do so!

Dream On....

I dreamt I was walking down the street with a friend of mine...this stranger comes up besides us, all crazy like. We are just about to ignore him when he reveals that he has a handgun. So, naturally, he has our full attention as we walk the street. The handgun is hidden, looked something like a snub nosed revolver, or a police special...but can't be sure..

Anyway, somehow, I manage to send a message via text that I need the police--sent the text to someone at work, who take their time in coming, mind you. Anyway, the police tackle him, and he opens fire...only he opens fire with some sort of machine gun...he almost hits me, though I didn't feel that I was in any danger... I also (in the same dream) dreamt that a house exploded..

I usually have a good idea of what my dreams mean, but this one has me for a complete loss. Perhaps somehow it's a symbol of my frustration that I've been experiencing over the last week or so.

There's some other stuff that is going on, re: the frustration with worship, that I can't really say in a public forum. It, of course, doesn't make it any less frustrating...

So anyway...I think the problem is that all of this negative energy and frustrations aren't going anywhere for the time being...they are just sitting here, bubbling under the surface. Not sure exactly how to get rid of them, for now...

Some friends of mine were visiting the Science Centre--there was an exhibit on natural disasters. I asked what natural disaster do you most resemble when you get angry. Some said tornado, others said hurricane. I said earthquake...I get angry for a really short time, there's little to no warning, and the damage afterwards can be very, very severe. However, I don't get that angry very often...

Anyway...just been having weird dreams lately...had another one last night...

Baffles with High Frustration Corn Syrup...

*Sigh*

Today was just one of those days...I don't know. Just seemed frustrated. I sing at a church, and I didn't think I did a really great job today.I mean, I did ok...but not as well as I wanted to. Is it just me, or are we our own worse critics? I know I am...I try to set these standards as to where I want to be, and sometimes I don't think I reach them....and then I get mad with myself, and express my frustrations in a blog. :)

I take worship seriously...I firmly believe that singers, people reading scripture, doing prayer, and worship leading are conduits by, to, and through God. So, one wants to do one's best...and when I don't, it's almost like I'm letting God down. I mean, imagine...having God as a boss, and having him look at you in disappointment...(shudder). Sometimes, that's how I feel when I don't think I've done my best...

What else am I frustrated in...frustrated and baffled...I have to admit that relationships, and finding them, and being in them baffle me. The whole aspect of it. Now, if one will permit me a bit of immodesty, I like to think of myself as a smart guy. Bright, intelligent, witty...lol, all of it. However, what baffles and frustrates me is the sphere of romance and love, and all of that jazz. It's so...illogical. And I wish it were logical...so I could understand it, and write a formula for it, and be done with it. Now,I know that what I'm wishing could never happen.

However, I have to admit that it bugs me that it's an area in my life that I can't use my smarts to solve. It requires a certain amount of wisdom, and savvy to navigate, and I don't have that kind of smarts in this particular field. I'd be the Titanic in the iceberg-filled oceans of romance...and we all know what happened to the Titanic. Designed by the best, lead by the best...and hit an iceberg, took on water, and sank. Lately, I feel like I've been doing a lot of sinking lately...and I'm getting tired of it. But what to do? Have no idea...and THAT frustrates me as I cruise around aimlessly, so to speak--trying hard not to sink, graze anything, take on water, avoid being run aground...and all in the fog. Yes, I realize the ocean metaphor has gone on for a while...but it's how I feel.

Work...lol. Don't even get me started on work. (and that's all I have to say about that).

I don't know. I hate those 3 words. I mean, one can learn to love them if it motivates you to try and find out, and it lights a fire under your curiosity. And I admit...sometimes those words do motivate me to do just that. However, lately, I've been hearing these words said to myself..

"THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO".


I despise those words with a passion. Despise them. I guess I'm just tired--spiritually tired--deep in the bones tired--no, not tired...weary. That's the word. ANYWAY...think it's time for me to go to bed...maybe a good night's sleep, and a meaningful dream will help things be clearer in the morning.

TRUSTNO1

Trust no one. For those into Science Fiction shows, this was the password and motto of Agent Fox on the X-Files..

For the most part, the rift between my friend and I has healed. Somewhat. Still, it's hard to fully trust him--that is a sad legacy of what happened, even though he "sort of" understand what happens and why I felt the way I felt. But I don't understand why he did it in the first place.Was it misguided haste and urgency? Was it because he was a backstabber? Both?

TRUSTNO1

Politicians...need I say more?

Charming the morning dew right off the honeysuckle...

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about politics, and politicians, and the conversation inevitably lead toward "charm", or charisma, and more to the point...if I had one or the other.

I'm going to drag some words into this post by people more erudite than I. Oscar Wilde said

"All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction"

But seriously...what makes some people liked, and some people despised for doing the same thing, saying the same words, and acting in the same way? Can we put a name on that quality that causes certain people to be funny, and others to be serious and mean? What is the difference between sarcasm and mean? Cruelty and witty?

But think about it...we ALL know people who just rub others the wrong way--who, by a look, a turn of phrase, or even tone of voice, give off such a bad impression that we want nothing to do with them. Even while others can say things on par with what they say, and somehow manage to get away with it..

I think another good friend put it best..."Adrian, I'm surprised you haven't been punched in the face yet"....;) All in due time, all in due time..


I'll be honest. I know that I can be arrogant, egotistical, and too smart for my own good. I don't suffer fools gladly, and consider myself an intellectual. I can be sarcastic, witty, and even...catty. However, most of my friends and co-workers, if asked, would say that I can carry it off. Most people. Not all...LOL. So what makes me different from another person, who would come off in a far worse light? Is it charm? Charisma? Or some ineffable quality that can't be defined?

Can one forgive and not forget?

Somewhat philosophical question...but one with definite real-world applications. Those of you reading these posts know that quite recently I was not treated with the respect and courtesy one treats a friend. In fact, one could say that the person treated me disloyally. I've come to accept that this person will never change, and that I need to make modifications as to what I share with him. Sort of downgrading him into a lower class of friend.

Now, I know that sounds kind of harsh, but think about it. If you're being honest with yourself...you know that in your group of friends, you have some people you tell everything. BFF's, for example. And other friends...well, they might not understand, or they are gossips--whatever. Regardless...while they are "friends", they are not Best Friends Forever.

So anyway...back to the story. I've downgraded him. Friends need to be there for each other, to generally have the other's back, to support, and to be supportive. They are people who you have a great deal of trust, and vice versa--they have to be able to trust you. And I don't think this person fits the bill.

It's funny...I was busy and hadn't talked to this gent in a while, and was asked if I was mad...and I was going to answer honestly...but then I decided--what point would it make? Or more to the point, what point would it serve? The "30 pieces of silver" had been exchanged, so to speak, and there really was no going back. An apology would not have been able to rectify anything, and wouldn't change the fact that I now have to keep things from someone who was a close friend in fear that it'll be used against my emotions, feelings, and interests.

So back to the question...can one forgive and not forget? Can one absolve a person for something they've done, and then act like they've never, ever done it? Because honestly...I can forgive...but the last part is damned near impossible.

Any thoughts?

Re-evaluate the command structure of this friendship....

Star Trek: The Next Generation...there's a scene where Riker (who is the first officer/2nd in command) is having a discussion with the Captain. Captain Picard wants some info from him, but Riker can't divulge it because he's been ordered to keep it a secret by some admiral. Naturally, this doesn't go over well, because the safety of the ship is at stake. Picard admits the futility of this, but says that "If his trust has been misplaced, then he'll have to re-evaluate the command structure of this ship".

For all of you who aren't ST:TNG fans..that pretty much means Riker is gone from the ship.

The reason I mention this is that a friend did something that I didn't think was kosher, or something a friend should do. Was he within his rights? Yes. Did I end up feeling like crap because of it? Yeah....and I'm probably more upset at myself for giving someone information that was used against me because I placed trust in someone that was clearly misplaced.

So what to do? I've decided that from now on, certain things I'm going to keep to myself. Which is sad--friends are there to confide in, not to be concerned that they will use information against you. One shouldn't be worried about being read your "Miranda Rights"..."Yes, you can tell me about so and so, but anything you say may be used against you". So yeah...it's sad...but probably the best possible course of action...

Games People Play...

Was just thinking about love, and life, and relationships, etc....and I find it sad and a little bit disappointing that games are such a huge part of things, instead of honesty.

It's this choreographed sequence of movements, all designed to mask how we truly may feel about each other, so that we don't come off as crazy, or weird or plain loco. How many of us have

heard the rules about calling people after a date? " You can't call right away, but you have to call within 3 days", for example. Or how you have to play hard to get--not show too much eagerness, yet be eager enough, but not too distant or aloof...

It would be nice to be free of those rules and conventions that the dating world has placed on us, and just be ourselves when it comes to stuff life that. I mean...if you had a great date, and really liked the guy...CALL HIM. Or vice versa! Gender roles complicate things as well, and in the year 2011, shouldn't we really be past that. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, it would be nice if we could get past all the stuff that holds us back and just act honestly.

Now, I agree...it would be difficult for many people to adjust. And I'm not advising 100% honesty, without taking into consideration how the other person might feel. He/she might not be ready to hear after the first date that you are totally in love with them, and want to get hitched by the end of next week. LOL. But if you DO feel that way...lol...then maybe killing yourself waiting 2 days after the date to call might be a wrong tactic for you...

So the question is...how do get rid of the games and come to a middle ground that is closer to how each person feels? I'm a bubbly, effervescent sort when it comes to romance--if I like someone, it's hard for me not to keep that inside. I WANT to talk to them, etc. For those who are more cerebral and distance--you may like someone, but don't feel the need to go on about it to them incessantly.

On the other hand...if you don't like someone...SAY SO. In the grand scheme of things, will it really hurt to say, text, or email someone after an initial date, "I'm sorry, but I don't think it'll work", or something innocuous like that? I know...in this day and age, people are supposed to be able to "take a hint", or "read between the lines". But taking hints and reading between lines can lead to confusion and hurt feelings where they are miscontrued, or not detected.

So, that's about all for today....

Election Fever...

Well, for all you residents of Canada...there is going to be another election. It's increasingly likely that the 3 opposition parties will vote in favour of a non-confidence motion, and trigger an umteenth election in Canada...most likely on May 2, or May 9th.

What we need is 3 different party leaders, as I'm not enamoured with any of them. It's a shame that there is such a dearth of quality in the people we choose to become our Prime Minister...however, there will be much more on that later..

I think the next post will be on love, and life...:) Time to move into some stuff that is serious, but not concerning the world...more about me and my personal interests and views on what makes me me.

U.N. Believable...

The U.N. has FINALLY decided to take action to prevent the slaughter of innocent Libyans by making it possible to enforce a no-fly zone.

I guess better late than never is the only thing I can say. From Darfur to Sudan to Rwanda the U.N. has stood idly by and dithered while million (yes MILLIONS) of innocents have been slaughtered or left to die.

It's too bad that the United Nations couldn't be something that truly had a good effect on the world when it counted. Don't get me wrong...I think that the United Nations has done some good when it comes to humanitarian issues and curbing/curing disease...but in military action where a show of force is required--they've been lacking. Sorely, sorely lacking.

Bi-Lingualism

Someone on Facebook recently challenged me on my use of words from their culture and their language--which raises an interesting point. Is it ok for "gentiles" to use jewish words, or caucasians to use patois, whe communicating with people of that group? Is it insulting? Or does it use a familiar word to express a thought in a way you KNOW they'll understand?

The politics of language can be frought with difficulty. As a black man...it isn't acceptable for anyone else of a different colour to use the "n-word"...even in jest. But is it ok for other Afro-Canadians to use it? And we can't forget the other epithets of other races, and groups.


Language can be used to identify ourselves with a group of people, to be understood, to show solidarity, etc. And as long as language is being used in that way,I think it's fine to tailor your message to those who are listening...