Judging People By Their Covers...

I was working out at my local YMCA in Toronto. Now, I have a regular gym, but its pool is closed over the holiday season. And since the YMCA has a pool, and an offer for 2 weeks free use, I decided to avail myself of the opportunity and use their pool.

When I was done, it was pretty late, since I'm a night owl and like being up late. They have special procedures for exiting and entering the facility when it's late, as it's open 24 hours. Of course, being new, I had no idea what these procedures were. As I went to the entrance I came in, I saw signs that it was closed. After asking some other users of the gym who had no clue whatsoever, I saw a cleaner, and decided to ask him what the hell I was supposed to do to get out of there!

I posed my question to the cleaner, and he gave me the correct answer. However, what he said after that was pretty sobering, and pretty uplifting at the same time. He went on to say that he was glad that I asked him, because no one ever asked him anything and that for the most part, they ignored him because he was a cleaner. I thought, wow...why would anyone discount his ideas and knowledge just because he was a cleaner? That makes no sense...he works here, he would no. I've never treated people like that, based on their status as to what they do for a living. But then I remembered what happened last week...

I sing, and love doing so. I sing at a church downtown that has a high social justice focus. Thus, there are programs for depression, HIV/Aids, refugees, GLBT people, and anyone else that may have trouble relating to a mainstream church. As I was singing, I noticed what appeared to be a homeless person sitting behind my backpack. I have to admit, I judged a book by its cover. She had a cane, looked rather frail and unkempt, and I totally subscribed to my base instincts--namely, I hope she didn't take my stuff.

I'm not the warmest person in the world. Making small talk is hard for me, and I sometimes have problems being empathic with others. I wouldn't make a great grief counsellor, is what I'm saying. I'm too inwardly focused, and too analytical to be comfortable in dealing with a lot of emotions--especially with strangers.

The service moved me, and I saw several people treat this woman with kindness and warmth. Still, I didn't think I had it in me, and was still dubious and harbouring classist thoughts.    As I walked over to get my stuff, this elderly, frail woman, on the outskirts of society thanked me for our singing.  With tears in her eyes, she gestured to her cane, she said she used to run marathons, but with bone disease, those days were past.

Now, I walk with limp, and have severe arthritis...and I'm in my 30s. Just bad luck, or the fates, or the will of God. Take your pick. However, when she said that...I took her hand, and with my eyes welling up, I told her I understood. In one brief twinkling of an eye, I was shown that her and I were very much alike, and were bound together.

I realized that despite our different circumstances, our different lives, our ages..that in one way, she and I were the same, and that my arrogance and pride had no place. Who was I to look down on her? Who was I to judge based on appearances? In a church, when I should have been acting like Jesus, I was acting like his persecutors. This nameless woman and I had more in common that I was prepared to admit. I was truly ashamed, and deservedly so.

The two stories are linked, of course. In both cases, I made someone happy. In one case, I did it on my own free will, and on my own volition. In the other, I was taught a very useful life lesson in a church in the process.

My point is that you, dear readers, don't know when or where, or what you will do to make someone's day. It can be the tiniest thing, the most insignificant gesture on your part, that will make someone be happier, so you have to be cognizant of the moments and act on them.

My OTHER point, is obviously about judging people before you know them, and on the most superficial of reasons. In one instance, I didn't do so...and in another, I did, to my deep shame.

Now, as mentioned before, I do go to Church, believe in God, and consider myself a Christian. So when I say "life"...I mean God.  Others may be atheists, agnostics, or believe in other religions, or simply believe in fate or karma. All of that notwithstanding...

I believe that life in general has lessons to teach us. Life has a funny way of treating us, and giving us the messages we need to hear. And we have to be careful that we don't ignore the message just because the messenger isn't clothed in the way we like, or is not respectable in the eyes of "society, or doesn't drive the right car.

Wow. Touched on a lot of things today...feel like the entry is a bit scattered. No matter. Sometimes I feel scattered..but please don't judge me on first appearances...:)

Sobbing When Tears are Not Enough

“Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.”

The above quote was from Anne Bronte...I like it a lot. My entries seem to be jelling into a series about emotions, so I'll continue the theme, so to speak.

How often do we cry? Not just tear up, but go into a full scale weeping? Really let the tears flow? I'm sure women do that more often then men, but it's a legit question, I think.

Just as getting angry is vitally important for releasing emotions that have the potential to corrode and eat at our souls, crying does the same thing, I think, but in a different way. Anger gets rid of those emotions which threaten to "blow us up". Anger disposes of those feelings that would cause us harm by their toxicity-slowing eating our souls from the inside, until there's nothing left but bitterness and cynicism.

Crying..I think, gets rid of those emotions that would sink our souls. Just like a ship that takes on too much water, crying gets rid of those emotions that would cause us to sink further and further into despair and grief. Crying allows us to get rid of those emotions that drag us down into sadness, and depression. Crying is like a rainfall...it clears the metaphorical skies of our life of clouds and grayness.

The last time I cried is when I realized that something I was hoping for would most likely never happen in regards to my personal life. Someone I cared about deeply was never going to see me in "that" way.  Never. EVER.  And yes, I was mad as well, and yes, it was recently. And I got angry. Angry with myself for letting my emotions run wild and rampant, angry for being a fool, and angry for a whole lot of things. And that got rid of the bitterness and rage (mostly). But there was a residual feeling that still hung around after my little tantrum. I realized in due course that me getting angry didn't rid myself of the immense sadness I felt. It didn't rid me of the grief, and melancholy that still existed in my heart. 

So,  I freely admit that this wasn't my eyes tearing up, or getting moist, or any of the euphemisms that are out there. I wept. Freely and unabashedly. There was nothing else I could do. And yes, I'm a guy, and guys are supposed to keep their feelings under control...but gentlemen--it doesn't make you any less than a man to acknowledge to yourself and others that you have emotions and that you aren't a robot!

But getting back to the subject at hand. Life can be brutal. And unfair. And SO UNFAIR. Life can turn around and treat you like crap. And those emotions will drag you under to the point where you can't function. Those feelings have to go somewhere, and be released. And yes...sometimes getting angry helps. But sometimes...the emotions of grief, despair, sadness...futility can only be expunged by sitting down by yourself, or someone who cares about you, or even a trained professional (should it come to that), and crying. And a word of warning...sometimes people believe that they get angry and they let it all out, and that's that. They make the mistake of thinking that rage and anger is the only cathartic option open to them. It's not.

Let it all out. Whether you cry to God, or whatever deity you believe in, or the fates, or just at the injustices of the world...do not keep it inside. Please.

Little White Lies....

White lies. Tiny lies. The lies that make social interactions a bit more managable and tolerable over the course of a day.
I have to admit that there is a place for these kinds of lies, even though they should be used sparingly. Of course, my natural inclination is to tell the truth,which sometimes leads to relationships (between friends, colleagues, co-workers, etc) a bit rougher than they ought to be.

For example...perhaps I shouldn't have told the truth to a coworker when I said I had no real interest in what she was telling me at the moment. And perhaps I shouldn't have been as direct to a friend when I was outlining his faults.

I think there is a fine line between telling the truth, and being a hypocrite, and if I had a choice, I'd rather not be a hypocrite.

"What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact.”

Wiser words were never spoken :)  I think that in the cold harsh light of day, I'd rather be told the truth in a kind, caring and compassionate way, than be lied to. And perhaps, be told the truth even when I might not want to hear it.

I bring this up because I think I was lied to this weekend. LOL, well, I'm sure I was lied to, but I'm not sure why. It had something to do with the social media we're all so involved in. FaceBook, Twitter, etc. As I mentioned to a friend of mine, I felt like Columbo...while everything seemed fine and the reason seemed logical for the action...upon the cold light of day, one realizes that something doesn't quite fit. Something is askew, askance, weird...whatever. The explanation doesn't jive with how it could happen.

So it led me to ask more questions, and more questions...and I honestly don't have the answers. And I don't think it's worth getting the answers at this point in time. I think the most charitable thing that can be said is that we all make decisions that we regret sometimes. However, even though we regret the decision and make pains to rectify it, or even reverse it...I think the fact that decisions are made to begin with still say something about us. The real person is the one that shows themselves when we aren't thinking, aren't analysing, but just doing.

But it does lead to the bigger questions of how do we in this society get along with each other? Where are the boundaries of civility, politeness, rudeness, comportment, etc? I think that has been the biggest casuality of the modern age--we've forgotten how to interact with each other. And yes, I'm guilty of that as well. Totally.

So what do we do about it? How do we go about breaking the electronic barriers and treating people like PEOPLE?

Get Good and Angry....

Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.” William Saroyan quotes (American Writer known for his stories celebrating the joy of living in spite of poverty. 1908-1981


Words to live by! I don't generally have problems laughing, and laughing like hell. Life's too short to go through it without laughing at the absurdity of it all...


But the second part...hmmmmm..the second part. I don't think I get angry enough. Well, correction--I get angry, but I don't let people know I get angry. And perhaps I should? But sometimes there's so much to be angry about. B.S. at work, the fact that life isn't fair, my lack of relationship for the most stupid of reasons, faith, religion...the list can go on and on for a very long time, with many items. That would pretty much leave you with a life filled with fury and rage about everything.


So I guess the 64,000 dollar question is when do you get good and mad, and when do you hold it in, and when do you find some way to release it, and how do you do it so that people aren't hurt as badly as they could be?


Let's face it. If you have just cause to be mad at someone, and you get angry...they may be hurt at what you have to say. They could get mad in response, or their feelings could be bruised, or worse. The worst case scenario is when they have no idea that their actions or behaviours has aroused these feelings of rage inside you, and the only time they know is when you go off on them. Or not even go off on them, but speak to them in a firm, but incredibly direct way.


I guess that's my dilemma. While I don't usually explode in an apoplectic rage of invective and cuss words, when I get mad, I can get cruel. Bitterly, nastily, hurtfully cruel. Less volcanic and more acerbic. Think Don Rickles, without the warmth and kindness. :)


Still, keeping the stuff I'm mad about inside me isn't doing me any good. So it has to come out.




Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury." Francis Quarles


It's not there yet...but it's coming. And I hate the fact that I have so many things to be angry about....

I'm Back

I think the best new year's resolutions are ones that are started before the year ends, so that you already are practicing good habits. So in that vein...I promise the following.

I promise to blog more often.

I promise to sing a solo at church

I promise to seriously look for another job

I promise to be more outspoken

I promise not to suffer fools gladly.

I'm back..hopefully for good...:)